How to Talk to Your Teen About Relationships and Consent

Your teenager has started smiling at their phone and closing the door. You want to say something helpful, but every sentence you rehearse sounds like a lecture.

Teens are going to learn about relationships one way or another: from friends, social media, films and the internet. Research summarized by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) shows that teens who can talk openly with a parent about relationships tend to make safer, more thoughtful choices. You don't need to be an expert. You need to be someone they can come to.

Start with what a healthy relationship looks like

Before consent, talk about respect. Ask your teen what they think makes a good relationship, between friends as well as partners. Healthy relationships include:

• trust and honesty,
• feeling free to spend time with other friends and family,
• being able to say no without being punished, sulked at or pressured,
• respect for privacy, including phones and passwords,
• feeling safe, never scared.

Warning signs include jealousy presented as love, constant checking of messages, pressure to share photos, put-downs, and cutting someone off from friends. Organizations like Love Is Respect (US) and the NHS describe these as signs of an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

Explaining consent in teen-friendly terms

Consent means freely agreeing to something, and it applies to everything from a hug to sharing a photo. Key points to get across:

• Consent has to be freely given. Pressure, guilt or threats mean it isn't real agreement.
• It can be changed at any time. Saying yes to one thing doesn't mean yes to anything else, or yes next time.
• Silence isn't a yes. Neither is someone being asleep, drunk or high.
• Respecting a "no" is a sign of maturity, not something to argue with.
• There are legal ages of consent, which vary by country and state. Make sure your teen knows the law where you live.

These points apply to boys and girls equally. Boys especially benefit from hearing directly from a trusted adult that asking and listening is what respectful people do.

Talk about online life too

• Sharing images: explain that creating or sharing sexual images of anyone under 18 is illegal in many countries, even between teens, and that images can spread beyond their control. Let them know that if something goes wrong, they can come to you without being punished, and that services like the NCMEC "Take It Down" tool or the UK's Report Remove can help.
• Pressure online: people they meet online aren't always who they say they are. Anyone who asks them to keep a secret from parents or to send photos is a red flag.
• What they see online: much of what teens see about relationships online is unrealistic or disrespectful. Ask what they think about it rather than simply banning it.

Conversation starters that don't feel like a lecture

• "Did you see that storyline in the show? What did you think about how he treated her?"
• "What would you do if a friend told you their partner checks their phone all the time?"
• "How would someone know if the person they're with is not okay with something?"
• "Is there anything people at school are talking about that you have questions on?"

Keep it short, listen more than you talk, and come back to it another day. Several five-minute chats beat one long, painful one.

If your teen tells you something worrying

Stay calm and thank them for telling you. Avoid blame. If they are in danger, are being pressured, or something has happened that they didn't agree to, reassure them it isn't their fault and get help from your doctor, their school, or local support services. In an emergency, contact the police.

The bottom line

You don't have to have every answer. Talk about respect first, explain consent simply and clearly, and make sure your teen knows they can always come to you, even if they've made a mistake.

Also see our guide on how to talk to your child about puberty.

Sources

• American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org, "Talking to Teens About Sex" and "Dating & Romance" (healthychildren.org)
• NHS, "Sex and young people" and "Consent" (nhs.uk)
• Love Is Respect, "Healthy relationships" (loveisrespect.org)
• National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, "Take It Down" (takeitdown.ncmec.org)

This article is general information for parents and is not a substitute for professional advice.